10 Reasons Gabby Douglas Should Not Make Money off Her Gold Medal Performance

Begin sarcasm:

I’m outraged. Gabby Douglas, affectionately known as the “Flying Squirrel,” is going to make millions of dollars after her gold medal Olympic performance.

This should not be.

First, she didn’t do it on her own. You know, “you didn’t build that.” She had help from other people. There was her mother, her coach, and teammates. The Olympic outfits she wore were paid for by the United States Olympic Committee. If NBC hadn’t broadcast the results of the competition, very few people would have seen her gold medal performance and her infectious smile. They were with her when she flipped upside down and landed on the four-inch balance beam. I even saw President Obama there.

Second, Gabby is small in stature. This is a huge advantage to anyone doing gymnastics. Her ability to rotate quickly puts a tall person at a disadvantage. The Russian girl who came in second was even shorter. I abhor size discrimination. There is no way that I could ascend the ranks of elite gymnastics at my height and weight. I had to pick the shot put. There’s no money in endorsements from shot putters.

Third, Bob Costas made the point that Gabby is the first African American to win the women’s all-around gymnastics crown. Did her race play a role in the judging? I want to know. The judges should be questioned. Some might argue that compensation was made for her race and the fact that no black had ever won the coveted all-around gold medal. If this is true, then reverse discrimination played a role in the judges’ decision.

Fourth, there is no reason why anyone should be paid so much money for doing something that can’t be shared by the community. Hillary said it best, “it takes a village.” That money could be better spent on the poor and homeless. She should be protested against by the Occupy Wall Street crowd because she is now an evil one-percenter.

Fifth, as everybody knows, women gymnasts always get paid more than men gymnasts do post-Olympics. Mary Lou Retton is worth nearly $6 million. Nastia Liukin is worth more than $2 million.  Hardly anyone remembers the names of the men gold medal winners let alone how much they’re worth. This is blatant sexism.

Sixth, there is beauty discrimination. All these girls are cute. Girls who aren’t cute don’t get the endorsements. It’s time that we all read J.P. Hartley’s 1960 novel Facial Justice that “depicts a post-apocalyptic society that has sought to banish privilege and envy, to the extent that people will even have their faces surgically altered in order to appear neither too beautiful nor too ugly.”

Seventh, “The gymnast has a healthy, wholesome and all-American image which would be attractive to plenty of companies.” This smacks of “American exceptionalism.”

Eighth, Gabby gave “all the glory to God.” She said, “It’s kind of a win-win situation. The glory goes up to him, and all the blessings fall down on me.” The owners of Chick-fil-A also believe in God and support the biblical definition of marriage. Unless she tells the world that she is for homosexual marriage the companies that pay her for endorsements should be boycotted.

Ninth, I hear she eats at Chick-fil-A.

Tenth, I’m just trying to keep it real.

/ Sarcasm