There was an incident that we reported on recently involving a “pastry gun” that got a 2nd grader suspended. It was either a pop tart or a toaster strudel that Josh Welch was eating when he decided he wanted to make it in the shape of a mountain. In his words, “It was already a rectangle. I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top of it and kind of looked like a gun,” he said. “But it wasn’t.”
The teacher was the one that made a mountain out of a molehill by accusing the kid of creating a gun. So, the child was suspended for 2 days, and all the students got letters sent home to inform their parents of the “incident.”
In part, the letter read:
"I am writing to let you know about an incident that occurred this morning in one of our classrooms and encourage you to discuss this matter with your child in a manner you deem most appropriate. During breakfast this morning, one of our students used food to make inappropriate gestures that disrupted the class. While no physical threats were made and no one [was] harmed, the student had to be removed from the classroom…"
It gets better. They even offer counseling to those kids traumatized by the event:
“If your children express that they are troubled by today's incident, please talk with them and help them share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week. In general, please remind them of the importance of making good choices.”
“Help them share their feelings?” This is so unbelievably stupid. They’re offering counseling services because of a pastry?! What are they expecting? This?
“It’s OK, Johnny. You can talk about it. What happened?”
“Well, one of my classmates, he was eating a toaster strudel and [voice quivers]…uh…”
“It’s OK. I’m here to share your feelings. What happened next?”
“Well, he started…um, eating it…and then it looked kind of like a…a…I can’t say…” [covers face in shame]
“Yes, you can. What did it look like?”
“At first, it looked like a mountain, but the teacher said it looked like a…a…a gun!” [cries]
“Gasp! [swallows] I’m so sorry to hear that, Johnny. [pause] How did that make you feel? And remember, this is for posterity’s sake, so please, be honest.”
No, no. What they’ll likely get is something like this:
“Hey, Daddy. Today at school, my friend Josh ate a toaster strudel, and it looked like a gun. Watch, I can do it too!"
These school officials must get their ideas from a Monty Python script. Here, watch the “Dirty Fork” skit, and you’ll see where they’re coming from: