Bind This Together, Mr. Obama

I don’t hate people. Some of them irritate the heck out of me, though. You can guess Mr. Obama is near the top of the list.

The combination of arrogance, ignorance, recklessness, condescension and low-class buffoonery is just not a mix I find tolerable in a president.

And yet, here we are.

Mr. Obama was in rare form — beer summit form — Thursday on Al Sharpton’s liberal revue on MSNBC.

The only thing that keeps the Republican Party from falling apart, Mr. Obama opined, “is that their basic view is that nothing is important enough to raise taxes on wealthy individuals or corporations, and they would rather see [billions in sequester cuts to social programs]. … That’s the thing that binds their party together at this point.”

Said the man with the overseas bank account from a party led by millionaires.

Well, I’m not a millionaire or any kind of wealthy, either individually or corporately, and neither are most of my friends.

So let me alleviate your ignorance, Mr. Obama, as to what binds us poor conservatives together.

In a word, it’s freedom.

You see, there are some of us poor folks who don’t particularly expect that we’ll ever be rich and who aren’t even particularly driven by the urge to amass ever-increasing piles of money, like you folks seem to do there in the fine-wine-consumption capital of America.

A lot of us just want to be able to pay our bills and maybe be able to put away a little for retirement or, heck, perhaps just a night out at the neighborhood steak house followed by a movie.

It’s called paycheck-to-paycheck, something I know you’ve never experienced. Your biography’s one of the few things about you that’s public record, so we non-millionaire conservatives know that despite your “I was born a poor black child” routine you’ve never wanted for anything, except perhaps a fiver to buy a bag from old Frank at the hot dog cart.

When you’re living at that income level, you become keenly aware of when someone’s picking your pocket, and the hand I find grubbing around most often in my back pocket is yours.

Not literally yours, I’ll grant you that much, but yours and your Democrat friends’ nonetheless.

With trillions of dollars already stolen from private citizens, you folks still can’t balance a budget or even be bothered to produce one. All we little folk know for sure is that you always need more.

Limousines, tricked-out military jets, armed guards, banquets, parties, million-dollar golf weekends — it’s all stuff guys like me don’t get to experience as a rule. Not that we want to, but I just would point out that things you folks in D.C. take for granted are what the rest of us refer to as “optional.”

Now, many of us have noticed that we could occasionally afford some options if so much of our  cash wasn’t flying out the window in the direction of the capital. (And let me toss in those state capitals here, as well, since they are equally guilty of fleecing the public.) Income taxes, sales taxes, property taxes, consumptive taxes, corporate taxes, payroll taxes, capital gain taxes, death taxes — they all add up. Then there are the taxes that politicians pretend aren’t taxes by calling them fees: user fees, utility fees, license fees, registration fees, filing fees, permission fees, environmental fees. And don’t forget the occasional whopper that no one really needs and no one sane wants, like Obamacare, the biggest tax hike in history once the Supreme Court rewrote part of it for you to make it — what’s that word? — legal.

Many of us have also noticed that in exchange for the vast sums of hard-earned money (hard-earned by average Americans, not you), we typically get back nothing more useful than a lot of restrictions: Don’t walk, don’t run, don’t drive, don’t buy a gun, don’t eat trans fats and don’t ever, ever morally object to any of the Administration’s unconstitutional end runs around Congress or efforts to limit personal freedoms.

This all makes us a wee bit upset. Cranky, you might say.

And by the way, it’s got nothing to do with your skin color, so don’t even go there. Real conservatives aren’t just white, and they don’t have anything against blacks. It’s just you we don’t like, your very own personal “high school stoner got handed the world and now he’s ruining it” precious Marxist self.

One little treasure I do have is a replica Colonial coin. Probably not worth anything, but what’s interesting about it is the slogan. It’s not “In God We Trust,” it’s “Mind Your Business.”

It’s a good slogan, and it’s basically what we conservatives all want the government to do, to start minding its own business, stop poking its nose into our personal lives, get its hand out of our wallets and start paying its bills.

In other words, Mr. Obama, what really unites members of the divided GOP is an ardent desire for you to go away and leave us alone.

Like I said, it’s about freedom. Got it?