British Secondary School Bans Triangles From Cafeteria

Piers Morgan would be proud. Instead of dealing with unruly school kids, school administrators went straight to the crux of the matter. They’ve officially banned pastries in the shape of a triangle. Here’s what brought on this bizarre dictum:

A group of students got into a food fight, and one child got hit with a triangular shaped pastry they call “flapjacks.” He got hit in the eye. Because of his injuries, he was sent home but has since recovered.

Here’s their solution that would help prevent this occurrence from happening again:  the school administrators thought it wise to instruct the chefs not to bake anymore triangle-shaped comestibles. Squares and rectangles are allowed, but triangles are right out. It seems their edict allows for quadrilaterals, but no word on whether pentagons, octagons or other shapes would be permissible.

They’ve determined that the triangular shape is what caused the victim student’s injuries. I guess they’re concerned about the more acute angles in a triangle compared with the less detrimental right angles in a square or rectangle.

But other quadrilaterals might pose the same problem. Both rhombuses and trapezoids have more acute angles than squares and rectangles. I wonder if those shapes apply to their prohibition.

I guess they’ve got to start somewhere in their effort to curb flapjack violence. But students might be concerned that this is a slippery slope. I can hear the school administrators trying to reassure them, “No one’s coming for your flapjacks.” Besides, if they really tried to ban everything now, there’d be a student uprising that they’d have to deal with. So, they’ve got to go about this in an incremental way.

But you know they will end up confiscating everything. Next, they’ll be banning square-shaped and rectangle-shaped pastries. And once they’ve gotten all of the flapjacks off the school premises, they would declare victory.

But then they’d have to deal with the underground assault pastries trade. Students will be smuggling in their own triangle-shaped food items illegally and selling them on the black market, most likely to be used in other food fights.

Maybe the school administrators could respond with a sting operation like Fast and Furious. They’d use an undercover agent to sell the illegally shaped flapjacks to other students and then track them to see where they end up. Five or six other students might end up injured or worse, dead, but at least they could track down and wipe out the pastry cartel.

Ok, I’ve taken it far enough. This school rule is ridiculous but telling. As preposterous as it is, it’s really no different than the U.S. banning “assault” weapons because they look scary. Kind of like triangular pastries. The British have to continue to look busy, and since they don’t have any more guns to ban, they’re left with banning shapes of things you eat.