Global Warming Report: 40-degree Temperature Increase!

Ever since the release of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth, more and more people are becoming aware of a very disturbing trend in global weather patterns. But what most people do not realize is that Al Gore’s blockbuster documentary is only the tip of a rapidly melting iceberg. Few know that as early as June of 2013, temperatures in the northern hemisphere will have increased by almost 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Scientists at the National Weather Service headquarters in Salt Lake City called a press conference at 11 am yesterday to try to explain what the source of this alarming reaction is. Dr. Ian Laramie, the lead meteorologist at the NWS in global temperature modeling had a grim report. Using a series of color-coded graphs and charts, Laramie showed how temperatures in the Midwest region of the United States would be changing in the near future. He explained that though temperatures would likely be slightly lower for a few months, some time after the new year, they are expected to skyrocket in fewer than six months.

Their detailed 250-page report stated that there is strong evidence that higher temperatures will be “inevitable and unavoidable regardless of any human actions.” Before fielding questions at the press conference, Laramie stressed that, “Things might look good now, and many may not be inclined to believe the findings of our report based on the immediate cooling trends, but we have strong evidence that shows that we are in for a rude awakening in less than one year.”

The report contains documentation of ten previous temperature increases over the last decade that are strikingly similar to what is being predicted by the NWS panel of scientists. But the findings of the report are not based solely on the historical evidence. The report also explains that based on the current trajectory of the planet, the northern hemisphere will be exposed to an increase in direct sunlight starting around the end of March and only increasing in intensity all the way through June. Said Laramie:  “This simply cannot be avoided. We can’t change where our planet is moving. The laws of physics are loud and clear on this one: based on the earth’s orientation and position relative to the sun, the upcoming increase in temperature is a certainty.”

Laramie was asked by several people present at the press conference whether or not the report had adequately considered the bigger picture. “I’m all about the big picture,” he responded, “but sometimes important details such as these get obscured in the process.” He later added, “So many people have been talking about what’s going to happen a hundred years from now, and that’s important. But I have heard nobody express any concern for what’s going to happen in less than eight months. We hope that this report will correct this grave oversight.”

Sources say that the NWS is also currently working on a simultaneous study to be released later this evening that shows that an even more dramatic increase in temperature will occur between midnight and two o’clock to-morrow afternoon, although Dr. Laramie declined to comment on the findings of that report.

 

NOTE:  This is an obvious piece of satire courtesy of my brother Dave.