Help Wanted: White Conservative With Knowledge of Explosives

JOB NOTICE

Are you angry at your government? Are you fed up with taxes? Do you feel your country has turned away from the path of God? Would you like to make a big impression (at least 100-foot radius)?

A coalition of media groups, entertainment celebrities and Democrat Party politicians urgently seeks conservative white male with knowledge of firearms and explosives for important PR-related position.

The qualified candidate must be white (no exceptions) and male (preferably heterosexual orientation, though a transgender candidate who looks scary enough will be considered). Ability to appear unusually “macho” a plus.

The candidate should have demonstrable conservative credentials. The review board will favor those with a military background or Tea Party/NRA membership. A history of defending conservatism or attacking socialism/Marxism on Facebook, Twitter or other social media is a definite plus. An applicant who was or is in Boy Scouts will also have an advantage, particularly if you have a history of opposition to homosexuals and Atheists. Any applicant who has publicly questioned President Obama’s birth certificate or Social Security number will go to the front of the line.

Religion is important to the successful filling of this position. The chosen candidate will most likely be a Bible-believing Christian, though Orthodox Jewish candidates will be considered. History of vacationing in Israel highly desirable. Absolutely no Muslims, Atheists, Wiccans, Satanists or other non-biblical religions found on those cheesy “coexist” bumper stickers.

It will be the responsibility of the winning applicant to help boost the credibility of the coalition’s various members with the American public following recent … unfortunate predictions regarding the identity of the Boston Marathon bombers proved to be somewhat inaccurate.

The candidate will help restore the public’s faith in the coalition’s member groups by preparing a public presentation whose purpose will be to convince Americans of the coalition’s well-known position that conservatism is a danger to the country. Candidate should be able to create a presentation that will end with a bang, and really bowl over audience members and hopefully blow their minds.

This is a contract position, not long-term employment, and there is no health care or other benefits offered. Body bag and yellow tape will be supplied gratis. Payment of a bazillion simolians will be made promptly upon successful completion of presentation. All you have to do is collect it.

Send applications to Chris Matthews at MSNBC, Director Michael Moore at Der Wienerschnitzel, Ben Smith at BuzzFeed or any editor at dozens of media outlets, Hollywood studio head, member of Congress or presidential spokesman. Good luck.