Jesus of Nazareth, Enemy of the State, Executed for Treason

An Official Declaration Concerning the Criminal Jesus of Nazareth

Jesus of Nazareth was executed on the orders of the Roman State. Method of execution: Crucifixion. The charge under Roman law was treason, and under Herodian law blasphemy against the Temple.

The evidence against this anarchist was so strong that authorities of both the Roman State and the Kingdom of Herod concurred with the arrest and execution, and Jesus was subjected to trial by both governments. And in a rare uprising of spontaneous collective justice, the mass of people who were gathered for Passover called for his execution as well. The mob affirmed their loyalty to the state, chanting, “We have no king but Caesar.”

Friday’s execution ended a career as an anti-government agitator with a long history of lawlessness. The family was in possession of falsified, illegal, and unsanctioned genealogical records which claim to indicate that Jesus was of royal lineage, and undermined the legitimate claim of Herod to the throne. The malicious claim, which has been spread widely among the people, is that the king is an Idumean and not a Jew. The king is tormented by this claim, and laments that shortly after his father’s rise to power the genealogical records (which would certainly have proven his legitimate right to reign) perished in a mysterious fire, likely set by anti-government agitators.

Even as a young child, Jesus was recognized as an enemy of the State and was sentenced to death by the current king’s predecessor, Herod the Great. Subversive foreign agents lied to the king, and with their help Jesus and his family escaped the lawful orders of the government authority by illegally emigrating to Egypt where they remained in hiding until the death of the king. Afterwards they are known to have illegally immigrated back into greater Israel, where they settled in Galilee, toward the edge of the kingdom, and far from the swift justice of the capital region.

Jesus, who is also treasonously called “The Christ” by his followers, embarked on a public career roughly three years ago, with the assistance of his cousin, John, who himself was executed by the State for lack of respect for the office of the king.

Jesus’ criminal career included public insults of the king (calling Herod a ‘fox’ and ‘a reed blowing in the wind’), implying that the Roman State was under God and not properly the other way around, harassment of government officials including at least one tax collector and one Sanhedrin member, as well as ordering and/or encouraging them to remit wealth back to the people from whom it was lawfully taxed.

He was also guilty of a series of actions which treasonously called into legitimacy organs of the state such as Herod’s Temple. For example, he offered forgiveness and fellowship with God to sinners, violating the temple monopoly of public expiation and forgiveness. Furthermore, he illegally trespassed on government property and interfered with state-sanctioned money-changing operations which were properly operating with the permission of the appointees of the king at state-approved exchange rates.

He was able for a time to avoid arrest through a tactic of cleverly disguising his anti-government propaganda in the form of coded answers, suggestive but ambiguous analogies, and confusing aphorisms, by which he managed to gather a following without giving clear evidence of his treasonous views. However, his anti-government propaganda eventually became undeniable: Predicting the destruction of Herod’s temple, and even denying its legitimacy, declaring it to be “desolate.”

His execution was swift and merciless, and his disciples have been scattered. Authorities are confident that his name will quickly be forgotten, while Rome, the eternal city, will last forever. The temple built on the power of the Roman state and Herodian kingship will stand forever. Authorities assure the people that the ultimate punishment on which all state power rests, death by execution, is the final word on this short episode in Roman history.