Obama the Politician Americans Most Want Launched Into Space — Poll

In a new poll conducted by Kelton Research, most respondents say President Obama would handle an extraterrestrial invasion better than Mitt Romney.

Almost two-thirds (65 percent) said Obama would be a better choice to “let loose on aliens if our nation was being threatened,” according to the report, titled “Aliens Among Us: Are Movies Getting it Right?” The report was commissioned by National Geographic for its new show called “Chasing UFOs.”

The survey also found that 36 percent of Americans believe UFOs are real, 55 percent believe there are real “men in black” who threaten people who report UFOs, and 79 percent think the government has kept information about UFOs a secret from the people.

I’m detecting a flaw in the thought process here. The numbers just don’t jibe. If only 36 percent believe UFOs “are real,” then how can 79 percent think the government is covering up information about them?

If you want anything done properly, you’ve got to do it yourself. So I did just that and conducted my own survey among my own circle of select guinea pigs.

(What, you think Gallup and all those pollsters are really calling up a bunch of strangers? No, it’s more like, “Hi Myrtle, how’s it going? How’s little Timmy? Are you coming to the Obama fundraiser tomorrow? Only $10,000 a plate, and they’re going to have cheese. By the way, do you think UFOs are real?”)

Here are the questions, exactly as asked (because you know tone of voice and wording make a difference) and the results.

1) If extraterrestrials invaded Earth, who would be better able to stop them?

a) President Obama — 2%

b) Mitt Romney — 10%

c) Ronald Reagan — 36%

d) The Avengers — 52%

2) Do you believe the government is hiding the truth about UFOs?

a) Yes — 29%

b) No — 1%

c) No way because Obama would have leaked the information by now to raise his poll numbers among illegal aliens — 70%

3) If extraterrestrials exist, what do they look like?

a) Like us — 5%

b) Like ET — 13%

c) Like “the Greys” — 21%

d) Like Nancy Pelosi — 61%

e) Wait, can I change my answer to Nancy Pelosi — 39%

4) Do thuggish “Men In Black” terrorize people who know the truth?

a) Yes, and they are extraterrestrials — 18%

b) Yes, and they work for the military — 12%

c) No — 15%

d) Yes, and they are called Supreme Court justices — 55%

5) If extraterrestrials ever launched space weapons at the Earth, what should we launch back?

a) Nukes — 26%

b) Our surrender agreement — 2%

c) Barack Obama — 72%

6) What planet is President Obama from?

a) Earth — 1%

b) Planet Hollywood — 49%

c) That annoying one with the Ewoks — 50%

7) Doesn’t Michelle Obama look like she’s ready to eat some human brains?

a) No — 1%

b) Yes — 43%

c) She already has; the victims all voted for Barack — 56%

Data notes: This poll involved a semi-scientific sampling of a bunch of people and a couple of bottles of beer — as I remember it. It has a margin of error of plus or minus whatever.