The Real Reason New Mexico Man Had Multiple Anal Exams

By now you’ve heard the story of how David W. Eckert had numerous anal exams by New Mexico police and medical officials because he was suspected of hiding drugs in his anal cavity.  It seems that Mr. Eckert had some prior drug arrests, but none of them revealed that he had tried to hide drugs in the place where the “sun don’t shine.”

Something else must have been going on for the police to take an interest in him. More about the real reason for the anal probe in a moment.

What the police did, no matter what Mr. Eckert was suspected of doing, was criminal. If there’s not more to the story, all involved in the “probe” should be fired and Mr. Eckert should sue every one of them.

TheBlaze reports that “Eckert was subjected to involuntary X-rays, multiple anal exams, enema procedures and ultimately a colonoscopy.” To add insult to what must have been some injury, Mr. Eckert was sent a bill for $6000.

Here’s a list of the procedures Mr. Eckert underwent:

1. Eckert’s abdominal area was X-rayed; no narcotics were found.

2. Doctors then performed an exam of Eckert’s anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.

3. Doctors performed a second exam of Eckert’s anus with their fingers; no narcotics were found.

4. Doctors penetrated Eckert’s anus to insert an enema. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.

5. Doctors penetrated Eckert’s anus to insert an enema a second time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.

6. Doctors penetrated Eckert’s anus to insert an enema a third time. Eckert was forced to defecate in front of doctors and police officers. Eckert watched as doctors searched his stool. No narcotics were found.

7. Doctors then X-rayed Eckert again; no narcotics were found.

8. Doctors prepared Eckert for surgery, sedated him, and then performed a colonoscopy where a scope with a camera was inserted into Eckert’s anus, rectum, colon and large intestines. No narcotics were found.

So what’s the real reason behind the anal exam? The police heard Larry Summers, former chief economic policy adviser to President Obama, say “that the healthcare website’s glitches are the result of a government brain drain.”

When the police learned that the man who had developed www.Healthcare.gov was passing through New Mexico trying to escape questioning by the press, they went into action.

Apparently, Mr. Eckert’s car matched the description given by authorities about the escaping government official. Dutifully, the police stopped it and began looking to see if there truly had been a brain drain.

After all the anal probing, X-rays, enemas, and even the colonoscopy, the police have been unable to locate his brain.

After a rigorous examination with no results, they sent Mr. Eckert on his way. The latest report is that he’ll be running for the Senate in 2014.