Tea Party’s Plan to Take Over the World

I feel like I should be twirling the waxed ends of my handlebar mustache while uttering a hearty “mwu-ha-HA!”

Former Labor Secretary Robert Reich’s column over at Salon.com lays out what he considers the real reason for the economic “doom” we face because of the sequestration cuts: It’s all the Tea Party’s fault.

And it’s not just the sequestration plan. No, the Tea Party has infiltrated Washington, D.C., for the purpose of taking down the government and throwing the country into chaos:

“Imagine a plot to undermine the government of the United States, to destroy much of its capacity to do the public’s business, and to sow distrust among the population.

“Imagine further that the plotters infiltrate Congress and state governments, reshape their districts to give them disproportionate influence in Washington, and use the media to spread big lies about the government.

“Finally, imagine they not only paralyze the government but are on the verge of dismantling pieces of it.

“Far-fetched?  Perhaps. But take a look at what’s been happening in Washington and many state capitals since Tea Party fanatics gained effective control of the Republican Party, and you’d be forgiven if you see parallels.”

Reich goes on to explain how the Tea Party’s goal is nothing less than the destruction of the good ol’ USA before he gets into the details of how the sequestration really went down:

“Sequestration grew out of a strategy hatched soon after they took over the House in 2011, to achieve their goals by holding hostage the full faith and credit of the United States – notwithstanding the Constitution’s instruction that the public debt of the United States “not be questioned.”

You didn’t really think Bob Woodward had it right, that sequestration was thought up by Obama?

All right, all right. I’ll confess. I just can’t lie to the public any more. Reich is right. We teapots have a master plan to take over the world.

We’re actually going head-to-head with the Masons for control of the country. But rather than waste time taking everything piecemeal by infiltration of schools and public institutions, our leaders have decided to just have a giant rumble — our cyborgs against theirs, to the death.

The winning group will get to be D.C.’s official middlemen to the Greys — those aliens from the Pleiades.

If all goes as planned, the Tea Party will soon be rolling in quatloos, and the human race shall serve our Space Masters.

Seriously, though, Reich sounds like he’s describing the Muslim Brotherhood’s takeover of the Obama Administration, something that, unlike Reich’s wild conspiracy theory, has been documented.

Also unlike Reich’s ravings, if the Tea Party were to take over the government, the world would be a much happier place.

For one thing, the Tea Party wouldn’t be blaming someone else for what our president has done, forcing the largest cuts onto the military that liberals and America’s foreign enemies despise.

The Tea Party also wouldn’t bankrupt the country to fund socialist programs that undermine the Constitution.

Most importantly, we wouldn’t have concocted something as transparent as sequestration and blamed it on someone else as cover for the inevitable economic failure of Obama’s second term.