What Obama’s State of the Union Address Should Have Said

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

For the past three years, I have struggled to steer our nation in the direction of change as I promised I would.  I’m proud to stand before you tonight to inform you that the nation is well on the path I have chosen.

Our economy has progressed exactly as I had planned.  For example, when I took office gasoline averaged about $1.80 per gallon nationwide.  Today I’m proud to announce that a gallon of gas is costing you around $3.50 per gallon AND the oil companies continue to have record profits.

Through all of my programs, the middle class has grown smaller and the number of Americans now living in poverty has increased by almost 10% meaning that there are now 4 million more Americans that live in poverty than there was when I took office.  The number of Americans receiving Food Stamps has increased by more than 11 million.

Our national debt is well on its way to reaching a point that will take generations to pay it off.  In my three years in office I have increased our national debt from $10.5 trillion to nearly $16 trillion and I am planning on asking Congress to raise that by another $1 trillion in the next few months.

Our green jobs market has done exactly what I wanted it to do.  When I took office I promised to create 5 million green jobs.  That has turned out to be a gross exaggeration on my part and in fact, after sinking billions of dollars into green companies, we currently seem to be losing more green jobs than are being created.

Our overall job mark also performed as planned as I’ve increased the number of unemployed Americans by a mere 3.5 million.  My fellow black Americans have seen their unemployment figures rise by over 2% in the past three years and I promised to continue to work for them as I have been doing.

As President of the United States, I have taken it upon myself to determine what the US Constitution should and should not say.  I have also taken it upon myself to determine which laws I want to enforce and which ones I choose to ignore, including federal immigration laws.

As President of the United States, I have set a number of firsts that I am quite proud of.  Those firsts include:

I am the first President that is not a ‘natural born citizen’.  My father and I were both born in a little Kenyan village called Kogelo.  As such, I have continued to refuse to make my original birth certificate public nor do I feel I have to prove whether or not I am eligible to hold this office.

I am the first President to hold a Social Security number from a state I never lived in or ever want to live in.  I had to have a Social Security number so with some help from friends I was able to obtain one that suited my purposes.

I am the first President to openly defy a court order issued by a federal judge when I forced my health care program upon you all.  In fact, I’m also the first President to force you to purchase a private product, which use to be unconstitutional, but I decided that provision does not apply to me as President.

I am the first President who forced a business to pay one of my friends, er I mean political appointees, over $20 billion.

I am the first President to effectively kill America’s manned space program since its inception.

I am the first President to refuse to defend America’s borders from illegal aliens and the first to file lawsuits against states that have enacted immigration laws to protect themselves from the harmful effects of illegals.  But being an illegal myself, what do you expect?

I am the first President to replace over 40 elected officials with my personally appointed czars.

I am the first President to refuse to wear an American flag pin.  I’m also the first President to put my hand over my crotch instead of my heart during the national anthem.

I am the first President to hire 22 personal servants for my wife and a professional dog trainer who you taxpayers are paying over $100,000 a year for.

I am the first President who has spent my first three years in office ignoring and insulting America’s allies while I continually bow down and kiss the feet of America’s enemies.

I am the first President who professed to be a Christian but in reality is a Muslim and I have proven it many times.

I am the first President to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for what I have absolutely no clue because I didn’t do anything close to deserving it, but the recognition was great.

My fellow Americans, the list of my firsts goes on and on, but I trust you get the general idea of the kind of person I am and what I’ve done as your president and what changes I have made for America.

If you re-elect me in November, I promise I will continue to steer our nation on its current path until such time as I can declare martial law, disband Congress and seize absolute control as dictator.  This is the change that I promised you.

Thank you and may Allah bless you and may Allah bless the United States of America.