2nd Grader Suspended for Toaster Pastry Shaped Like a Gun


Park Elementary School in Baltimore, Maryland has joined the ranks of hyper-reactive paranoid asinine schools that panic over kids being kids.

Josh Welch, a second grader at Park Elementary has joined the list of national terrorists.  The artistic student, who has been diagnosed with ADHD, carried out a horrific act of educational terrorism that had never been tried before.  While eating a toaster pastry, Josh kept biting pieces off in an attempt to make the shape of a mountain.  His deception was uncovered by a teacher who saw the partially eaten pastry that the teacher said resembled a gun.  Even though Josh explained he was trying to make a mountain, the teacher didn’t believe him and accused him of making a pastry gun.

I’m not sure who they thought Josh might try and shoot with the pastry filling, but the conspiracy behind the mini-terrorist was such that the school was bound to take action.  Josh explained what happened to a local reporter:

“It was already a rectangle. I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top of it and kind of looked like a gun.  But it wasn’t.  She was pretty mad, and I think I was in big trouble.”

The teacher reported that Josh held the pastry in his hand and said ‘bang, bang.’  Josh adamantly denies that ever happened, but as in most cases, a hysterical teacher is always believed over a hardened 6 year old terrorist.  The school sent a note home to Josh’s parents stating that their son was being suspended for two days because he fashioned his pastry into a gun and then made inappropriate gestures.

I realize that the Department of Homeland Security probably congratulated Park Elementary School and the alert teacher for thwarting another terroristic school shooting.  However, if I were Josh’s dad, I would be talking to an attorney about suing the school for mentally abusing their son for being kid.  I would also file extra charges that the teacher and administration are too incompetent to be responsible for young kids as they over react in such a way as to cause unfair mental duress every time a kid is being a kid.

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