Foie Gras Ban: Fine, Let’s Use Liberals

Sometimes the stars just align and two great ideas come together, like chocolate and peanut butter.

Recently, liberals have been nattering about two food trends: the impending ban on foie gras in California, and the media-inspired “rash” of “zombie” cannibalism.

Back in 2004, the Food Police twisted Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s arm to sign the foie gras ban based on claims of animal cruelty. The ban had an eight-year grace period built in so that none of the politicians involved would actually have to suffer any consequences. Time’s up, and the state’s geese are about to get a reprieve (as yet another industry leaves California).

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Then there’s the cannibal wave, being dubbed the Zombie Apocalypse thanks to the Centers for Disease Control. Someone over at the CDC thought it would be a hoot to write emergency materials as if the public were being warned how to prepare for a “zombie apocalypse,” thinking that the steps for zombie preparation were essentially the same as for other disasters (except for the extra shotgun shells and nail-studded baseball bats).

Unfortunately, someone took the CDC’s zombie materials seriously, and when a crazed man ate the face off a homeless victim in Florida, the Zombie Apocalypse stories took off, covered extensively by “serious” liberal news outlets such as the Huffington Post and CNN. Now, dozens of “zombie” stories are floating around the Internet, and enough people are taking them seriously that the CDC had to issue a disclaimer that there is no real zombie threat — that they know of.

All of which is an unfortunate commentary on the brainpower of journalists and liberals, but potentially a great boon to the gastronomically deprived of California.

Since the Food Police are hell bent on depriving diners of one of the great gourmet delicacies, on the basis of goose cruelty, let me propose that we replace geese in the foie gras process with liberals.

I’m serious.

No, really.

Think about it. California, once a conservative state that gave the world Ronald Reagan, has suffered under this invasive non-native species called liberals for too many years. They originated on the East Coast and migrated across the northern Midwest to finally land, probably in a shipment of tofu, in California — most likely San Francisco or Berkeley was ground zero.

Despite the fact that a large number of them are gay, the liberals have managed to multiply because they are parasitic, infecting the brains of young schoolchildren who then grow up to become feeble-minded adults.

Over the years, this species has destroyed entire industries, including agriculture, lumber and power among others. They have rendered private property unusable due to their obnoxious marking of other people’s territory, which they call “greenbelting.”

They have also been known to devour every scrap of cash that is not carefully guarded.

So why not do the state a favor while sparing the geese — killing two birds with one stone, so to speak?

Replace the geese with goose-steppers.

Let’s round up all the liberals and force feed them organic quiche and brie. It should be easy because they seldom shut their mouths.

Once they’re good and fat — whack! Use the livers for foie gras, cut up the rest into lib chops (good with lemon capers sauce), then sell anything left as finely textured mystery meat, aka “pinko slime,” and use it for the school lunch program in blue states like New York.

It would be like restoring California’s environment, rescuing the gourmet food industry and recycling trash at the same time.

Libs — now that’s good eatin’.

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