Population Bomb Doomsayer Predicts Wave of Cannibalism

World-renowned prophet of doom Paul Ehrlich is warning everybody that not only is global population growth still a threat to the entire planet, but it’s already so bad that we will soon be eating our dead. Oh, and it’s probably Republicans’ fault.

Uh …

I almost feel like I can just stop right here. The sheer absurdity of this man, who somehow remains a respected professor at one of the most respected universities in the country, only continues to grow — a lot faster than the world population. Commenting on it just feels dirty somehow, like kicking the peg leg out from under some grizzled, drunken pirate.

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For those who don’t know, Ehrlich was one of the original Chicken Little leftists of the sixties, co-author (he took credit for his wife’s work) of “The Population Bomb,” a book that explained that by now we should all be living with global food riots, famines and plagues because the population was going to exceed resources.

The book was ridiculous on multiple levels, the two most obvious being that population hasn’t grown nearly as fast as Ehrlich predicted, and that the Earth has plenty of resources, so long as people are smart enough to manage them properly.

Since then, Ehrlich has made a career out of being spectacularly wrong about every prediction he’s ever made.

For his most recent rantings, Ehrlich took his theories to that reputable media outlet, the Huffing-and-Puffington Post, where stories about eating the dead seem reasonable because they don’t pay their writers.

According to Ehrlich, we will soon be asking ourselves, “Is it perfectly OK to eat the bodies of your dead because we’re all so hungry?” The human race is “moving in that direction with a ridiculous speed.”

Especially with the price of beef these days.

I mean, are you really going to pay $7 a pound for a porterhouse steak when all over town, just wandering around, there are perfectly mouthwatering redheads with the word “Juicy” scrawled across their buttocks?

I tease, of course.

I prefer brunettes. A little butter, a little garlic, some garnish, maybe some grilled mushrooms … yummy.

In his original book, Ehrlich was calling for doom to hit within a few years: “In the 1970’s the world will undergo famines – hundreds of millions of people are going to starve to death.”

Fortunately, Jack In the Box invented the Jumbo Jack, and the world was saved by Rodney Allen Rippy. (“It’s too big to eat!”)

According to Ehrlich, “[Our children] will inherit a totally different world, a world in which the standards, politics, and economics of the 1960’s are dead.”

Oh, if only.

But that didn’t come to pass either, and Ehrlich knows who to blame: those wascally Wepublicans with their “war on women,” “war on the enviwonment” and “stealing fwom the poor.”

Professor Fudd then went on to say that Republicans are somehow “trying to kill women by making abortion illegal,” and he called for “backup abortions” from the government for any woman whose birth control fails.

Of course he also complained about news coverage by NBC of the retirement of a Dodgers pitcher, something else he apparently expected but that didn’t happen.

In honor of Ehrlich, I think I’ll make a prediction.

Sometime this week, the Earth will not end, and the human race will not resort to cannibalism. But Ehrlich will forget to eat his pudding.

There. I challenge the mighty Paul Ehrlich. May the best lunatic win.

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