USDA Looking to Buy Submachine Guns

It’s a dangerous business inspecting meat and supervising rural housing.

That no doubt is why the USDA has put out a solicitation for the purchase of .40-caliber submachine guns.

Can’t be too careful. Those cows can get uppity.

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Earlier this month, the Department of Agriculture solicited sources for the guns, which it wants to include 30-round capacity magazines, collapsible stocks, night sights, rails for flashlight attachments, carrying slings and oversize trigger guards for use with gloves.

From the sounds of it, USDA agents must be planning to stake out a few fields at night. “We’ll get to the bottom of who’s been stealing Farmer Magott’s crops!”

The solicitation didn’t specify how many submachine guns (that would be illegal for you or I) the USDA is looking to buy, nor did it mention whether the USDA was also looking to buy stormtrooper overcoats and jackboots, but this is the government, so don’t be surprised by a number followed by four or more zeroes.

Under the Obama Administration, we’ve gotten used to hearing about various branches of the government buying billions of rounds, hundreds of thousands of guns, tens of thousands of coffins. Even the IRS apparently has its own platoons of gunmen standing by for orders.

But this is just weird. The USDA is the department that is supposed to X-ray bacon for trichonosis and inspect chicken coops for violations of the hen labor laws or whatever.

The USDA does also cover the Forest Service, so perhaps they need to keep the campers in line. It also operates the Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service, which operates the Beagle Brigade, those cute little dogs that sniff luggage at airports.

I could see how beagle backup could get pretty hairy.


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