White House Shuffles Paperwork, Proclaims Victory Against ISIS

When President Obama said America was coming to help the Christians and other refugees who were dying in and around Mount Sinjar in Iraq because they had been chased from their homes by bloodthirsty ISIS barbarians, critics predicted that nothing substantial would come of it.

Now, after dropping some pallets of water and food, and blowing up a couple of gun emplacements in completely different areas, the White House has declared a victory against ISIS.

On Twitter, State Department Deputy Assistant Secretary Brett McGurk said the United States had “broken the siege.”

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State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf backed up the obviously official meme, saying at a press conference, “The president said we’re going to break the siege of this mountain, and we broke the siege.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I take the term “breaking the siege” to imply that there has been some sort of actual confrontation and the enemy surrounding the place under siege has given up and gone away.

I must have missed that story somehow, although I’m sure it was all over the news.

So far as anyone can tell, ISIS is still camped at the foot of the mountain because Obama’s “targeted airstrikes” were never aimed at helping the victims of ISIS, but only at protecting U.S. personnel, should a cannon or missile launcher get too close to an embassy or other U.S. operation.

In fact, since Obama pledged that America was coming to help, ISIS has snatched at least another 500 women and girls for raping, mutilating, selling and whatever else those ISIS paragons of holiness and virtue do to the weaker half of the species. Beyond Sinjar, ISIS has continued its spate of beheadings, crucifixions, live burials and other hobbies its members enjoy so much.

As far as ISIS is concerned, they’ll just wait while trapped Yazidis and Christians choose whether they’d like to die of thirst or die from rape or beheading.

As far as the White House is concerned, Obama has fed and watered people for a few days, so now everything’s just tickety-boo. According to U.S. agents who visited the mountain the other day, there are fewer Yazidis and Christians than expected (hint for White House: That’s because THEY’RE DEAD), and conditions are drastically better because of the food and water drops.

Therefore … bye!

At some point — when it stops being in the news or the refugees either die or convert to Islam — the food and water drops will stop. The White House is already backing away from those “rescue” plans officials said they had. You know the ones. They’re kept in the tip-top secret vault in the special annex … in the Niagara Falls region … yeah, that’s it. Good thing we had those plans we aren’t going to use now, because they show the world how awesome and humanitarian we really are. Yup. We’ll just save those for another time and put ’em back in the vault in the special annex … in the Niagara Falls region.

Do I sound cynical? Cuz that’s what I was going for.

But the real reason and proof of the White House victory against ISIS? Well, it’s that the United Nations has declared Mount Sinjar a “Level Three Emergency.”

Level Three Emergency. Just saying it sounds cool. It sounds like it should be in an Avengers movie or something: “Iron Man, Thor … Captain America has declared a Level Three Emergency in Chicago. Avengers assemble!”

Just thinking about it gives me goose bumps.

What a Level Three Emergency for the U.N. actually does is … wait for it … “facilitate mobilization of additional resources in goods, funds and assets to ensure a more effective response to the humanitarian needs of populations affected by forced displacements.”

That’s right. A Level Three Emergency … reduces red tape! Wow!

I’ll bet those folks on Mount Sinjar who have reportedly gotten so thirsty between air drops that kids have been told to drink their parents’ own blood feel much safer now that we’ve “broken the siege.”

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